It could fail at any moment.

I'm in love for the second time in my life.
The second time can't lead to a third time
I couldn't handle that much heartache again..
It already took me a little over 3 years.
He's got some mysterious eyes
That I could stare into for dayssss.
One second he is hyper and mushy,
the next he is distant and serious.
He is my forever.
Then again... I have no faith in the word "forever"
much less the concept.
I would wish on a billion stars to have my forever last ... forever.
But we all know
it could fail at any moment.

It all started with... him

          I was 16, and dumb. I was in love for the first and only time thus far... and he was everything to me. Since he has broken my heart almost everyday since the day he broke up with me. I can't look at a picture without losing my smile and taking a deep breath. It's a lot better now, I don't talk about him much anymore.. hardly ever. But when I do.. BAM. I remember only the good times. Only the times when I was the happiest person, only the times when he would hold my hand, or tell me he loved me. I keep hoping for someone to make me feel like that again.. but I'm losing hope. I miss him and if I could have Him back.. I would take all the bad times back too. I still have yet to even feel close.

I found the one.. I found that one-sided love. It fucking killed me

Missing the new me.. Wondering where I'm going now

I can't stop thinking about life. I was so close to being happy. This time last year I was nervous, I was scared. I was starting over and I missed home but I was starting my new life. A year later and I'm stuck. I'm at home.. working my life away. I would give anything for one last 4-square game. For one last midnight talk with JJ. I swear those nights.. I felt invincible. I made great friends.. great crazy crazy friends. I just feel like ive taken 2 steps back. I don't have anyone close to me anymore. No one I can call and talk to till 2 in the morning or just take a walk to the quad. Get some wine and drink in the middle of the most amazing place. Mars Hill has a weird way of forcing a hand print on your life. I thought that place was so boring and so lame but I can't get the great times out of my head. I can't get those amazing people out of my head. Sooooo so many laughs are on those sidewalks, are floating on the grass that I layed on, in the snow that melted away. I'm emotionally broken right now and I just don't know what to do. I feel like life is just punching me in the gut and I have no one to talk to about it. No one to care about little ole insignificant me. Broken.. missing what I had.. missing what i took advantage of. I sleep all day because my dreams bring me back to those times. For the past week I have seen michele, I'm there with her at the mall. I'm with JJ laughing about the smallest thing. I just don't know anymore. I've got to do something because I'm dying inside.

No video just need to write everything downn

This past monday I went over to my best friends house.. she has a roommate that I used to care about. I went away to school and did not forget about him just figured it didn't matter. I was 3 hrs away and there was no point. I did like him before but I knew that he had serious commitment issues. So we never dated, we just hung out. Since I've been home we have hung out twice and we had the most fun ever.. we laugh non-stop. We have deep conversations and when he is upset I was the one who made him feel better. I made him laugh in 2 seconds. It's effortless with us and then tonight.. his band was playing and I went to go see him.. as well as the rest of the band. I wore an amazing dress and I was looking great.. I wear new dresses and get all dolled up. My friend did my hair.. and I did it all for him to notice me as something more. No is the answer to the question you are all thinking. Did it all pay off? No. He got drunk (which is expected at these shows) and was dancing on the dance floor with a bunch of random girls.. which also doesn't bother me. He is single and obviously we aren't even talking but its just like.. you can at least dance with me or come up and hug me. When we first saw each other he did come up to me and talk to me briefly but I just want some attention. It might not be obvious that I'm trying but I do care about him as a friend.
      I've been in love before.. I know how I feel when the man I love walks into a room. I know what it feels like to lie in bed with the man i love dreaming of the future we will have together. I know what to look for and I have plenty of offers to go out with guys that I know.. but I know that they mean nothing to me. I know who I can actually be in a relationship with and when I look at these guys, I know how much I would be willing to do for them. This year I have found 2 guys that I could actually make a relationship last with. They both couldn't give two shits about me. Its really a self-confidence downer. I can dye my hair.. buy new clothes.. but it doesn't matter. They.. don't... notice.. me...    Well they do notice me and we are friends but they wont give me a chance at being more than that.

When love is lost...

      Had to cut the video short because it was over 16 minutes long. I edited it to where I was still ending on a complete thought. 

      In this episode I am talking about my parents divorce and how crazy my life is trying to deal with it. I also address the fact that I want another tattoo and need suggestions. I followed up on my fake "froroity" and introduced my best friend Emily and her relationship drama.

      Friendship is important and since I am an only child.. my best friends are like my brothers and sisters. I would do anything for Emily. I had to cut the part of the video where I tell everyone to be there for your best friends because everyone needs that one person to go to, that one person you can tell anything to, and sometimes people aren't always there for me when I need them. That's pretty much why I started this blog because I have no one else to talk to. 

Song of the Day- A Moment Of Peace By: Jarrod Gorbel

(My favorite Musician)

Next episode: My Dating Timeline

Just Getting Started...

Song of the Day is Hold On To Hope Love by: Amy Stroup

I am a 19 year old freshman in college. I'm currently taking summer classes at school and constantly bored with, normally, nothing to do and only a few people to hangout with. I miss being home and I've turned to the internet to dish my life on. I've got nothing to lose. The people I care about most are slipping away.. I'm unsure of everything. It's time to let it out and my diary pages don't respond to my feelings. Hope my life brings someone some sort of entertainment.. or gives someone a life to relate to.

This episode entails a little about my college life.. my friends that i was once extremely close with and no longer talk to me and that includes the boy that i liked.

Next episode..
My parents divorce and how im dealing with it.